I woke up different today.
I can’t fully explain it. There wasn’t some loud moment, no lightning strike, no grand revelation.
Just… a shift. Quiet, but undeniable. Something in me changed.
For most of my life, I’ve been unapologetically helpful. The kind of person who shows up, who gives, who pours into others without hesitation. I didn’t question it that’s just who I was.
Until the people I trusted the most… trampled on that part of me.
And that’s where everything started to shift.
I found myself spiraling mentally, emotionally trying to make sense of things that didn’t make sense. Looking for answers. Looking for understanding. Trying to justify why I felt the way I did, like I needed permission to feel hurt.
This week… something got triggered.
Old emotions. Buried ones. The kind you think you’ve moved past until they come rushing back like they never left.
Kobe.
I still don’t even know how to process what I felt. My mind couldn’t keep up with what my heart was trying to understand. It felt unreal like I was watching something that couldn’t possibly be real life.
I caught myself asking questions that didn’t even sound logical out loud: Was this a joke? Was this intentional? What is happening right now?
And then I went deeper.
I searched. I tried to connect dots that maybe weren’t meant to connect. I even questioned whether finding Jeff was coincidence… or something more. Was this timing random? Or was this some kind of message?
I went back and found an email I sent to myself months ago November. I had been searching for a venture capitalist. That was it. Simple. Practical.
At the time, I didn’t think anything of it.
But now? It felt like something had aligned Like something had manifested.
And that thought alone… shook me.
Because when you truly admire someone when you place meaning, emotion, or even identity into who they are meeting them, or even getting close to that reality, can disrupt everything you thought you understood.
Sometimes it’s better to admire from a distance.
Even for myself.
Because reality has a way of colliding with perception, and not always gently.
But deeper than all of that… there’s something I’ve never been able to separate from any of this:
January 19, 2012.
The day my son was shot.
The same day Kobe was scheduled to sign his divorce from Vanessa.
That day is etched into my soul.
I remember praying begging “God, let me keep my son. You can take everything else.”
And I meant it.
That moment changed me in ways I’m still uncovering.
So maybe this feeling I woke up with today… isn’t random.
Maybe it’s not confusion.
Maybe it’s clarity.
Maybe it’s the part of me that finally understands that I don’t have to keep giving pieces of myself to people who don’t know how to hold them.
Maybe it’s the part of me that’s done searching for validation outside of myself.
Or maybe…
It’s just me, finally choosing to feel everythingand still deciding to move forward.
All I know is this:
I woke up this morning and decided to have some fun today.
And for the first time in a long time…
That decision felt different.
